The #1 Reason You’re Not Happy

At one time or another we've wanted to be happier have we not? We often complicate things or struggle when things seem too simple. As if there needs to be a complicated process to getting what we want. Yet in many ways we crave a shortcut to happiness and success.

I was having a conversation with a friend the other day and they asked me: “How can someone achieve happiness?”

I laughed because I expected a question like that to be given to some guru in the Himalayan Mountains where you have to trek up 3,000 stairs and wait an hour only to sit down and be told a one word answer.

As I sat there, not immediately sure of the answer, I remembered something I had heard before. 

As most coaches do, before I gave him my answer, I asked him: “What is happiness to you?”

He said he wasn’t sure. All he knew was lately he wasn’t happy. 

He went on to explain that it didn’t make sense to him. He had a house and a car. A good job working as a manager in a small company. He was married to his wife for 8 years. Yet, in spite of this...he just wasn’t happy.

Sound Familiar?

Then I asked him: “So if you have all these things (which most people would say would make them happy), what’s missing?”

He simply responded: “I just thought I would be so much further by now. I mean COVID aside, I honestly thought I would have achieved more.”

He went on to explain what he thought his life should have been like. What job he should really be doing, how his relationship should be with his wife but currently isn’t, and where he would be financially.

He could in detail tell me why his life wasn’t where it should be. As he spoke more and more about it, his body sunk lower, his tone of voice got sadder, and you could just see this change within him like he was defeated.

I then asked him what he imagined his life to be like if it all worked out?

His response was: “I am not sure. I just thought it would be better.”

Have you found yourself there? Are you in a similar place now?

This is where I told him the issue began. He didn’t have a clear vision of what he wanted, and because of this he focused on what he didn’t have. He and I discussed this further and he realized something. What he was really saying, was there is a feeling he wanted (which he called happiness) and didn’t know how to get it, but somehow he knew he wasn’t happy.

(As a side note…happiness is a generalization. It means different things to different people in different situations. However, the description I am about to give will help to put happiness in perspective) 

When your current life circumstances  are equal to or better than you expect or envision you’ll be happy.

When your current life circumstance are not equal to or less than what you expected or envision. You’ll be unhappy.

This is why happiness is relative. If you found out you won $10 million will you be happy? Sure!

What if you were worth a billion dollars? You might still be happy, but not the same level as someone who was $50,000 in debt working 2 jobs and is a single parent. To them, they could be ecstatic! That is life changing money!

If you have a house, a car, a job, spouse and kids you could be happy if that’s what you wanted. However, you never see your spouse because you’re at work all the time and when you are together, you’re constantly fighting. Your kids don’t talk to you because you’re never around and if they do it’s because they need money or to borrow the car. You feel underpaid at work and unappreciated, and if only you could start your own business…the list goes on and on.

We struggle with uncertainty and we struggle when our current life circumstances don’t match the vision in our mind. No wonder COVID has resulted in so many issues lately.

1. Start by really getting clear on what you want. I mean really clear. Most of us have trouble envisioning the future because it seems so far away and hazy. When I say get clear I mean take some time and imagine yourself living that life. Really see yourself living it in 3D.
   
   
2. Ask yourself then, why do you want this? List all the reasons. The more reasons you have for wanting something and the stronger the feelings you associate to it, the more likely it is you’re going to get it. If you often find yourself unmotivated after starting a project it's usually because you didn't have enough reasons to push through the tough times and stay motivated throughout the process.
   
   
3. Is it practical? If you want to lose 50lbs by your birthday and it’s a week away: Can it be done or are you setting yourself up for failure?
   
   You could get there. But it'd have to be by something extreme like cutting off a leg or an arm or getting liposuction and trying to heal in time. In reality though, that’s not going to happen. If you know the reasons for losing the weight (feel better about yourself), then you can come up with another strategy for the week. Then you can focus on creating the goal of losing 50lbs by your NEXT birthday. This now becomes a possibility because….
   
   Your plan is practical. Which means you set yourself up to win. I don’t mean you can’t lose 50 lbs or make a million dollars, but trying to lose 50lbs in a week vs. 50lbs in 6 months or a year are two totally different things. Trying to make a million dollars with no education and no job is possible, but to make it practical, you are going to need to come up with a plan and take additional action. (Even trying to win the lottery involves getting off the couch and going to the store to buy a ticket.)

So you need to have a clear vision. Then support that vision with all the reasons you want this to happen, and create the practical plan to achieve it. 

Finally, take action immediately! Do something today that will get the ball rolling, even a small thing.

If you want a better relationship with your spouse, turn off the cell phone for an hour and have a real conversation with them. Get to know them again because chances are you both got lost in the bills and childcare. Be present! 

If you want a better relationship with your kids, take time and be with them. Genuinely be with them.

If you envision your own company and working for yourself, then perhaps start by googling what you would need to get that going. Seek out a mentor. Start researching what it would involve and what you need to do to make it happen.

If you want a better job, find what you currently like about your job, what you don’t like, what things are you naturally drawn to in your personal life, and see what kinds of jobs you could get with that. If you’re missing something like experience or education, where then can you get the experience or education? Who can you reach out to as a guide or as part of networking?

What If You Feel Stuck?
Unfortunately, many of us feel stuck when we try to think of a better life. The reason for this is we want something better, but that could mean potentially giving up what we know. When we have two values pulling in different directions we get the feeling we're stuck. 

We’re quicker to notice what we don’t have rather than what we do. Getting unstuck is appreciating the things you have, creating a clear vision of what you want, and having enough reasons to go get it. These reasons will help you get the practical plan to achieve it.

Without enough reasons you will get stuck, you will stall, or fizzle out and be unhappy because the vision didn’t materialize. Your reality no longer matches your vision.

"It’s not about bringing down your vision to match your reality, it's about how can you find a way to improve yourself to match your vision?"

If you need help with this, that is where coaching comes in. That’s where together we can really work to create that vision and spark the reasons to create the plan to have that lasting happiness. Together we will get you unstuck and on the way. 

Things get so much easier when you have a destination. When you really know why you want to get there AND you know the means of getting there.

If you found any value in this article, then please share it with another friend that could benefit from it or leave me a comment on my Instagram or face book. (That would make me happy. Lol)

If you have questions you can always email me or book yourself in for a FREE 30 mins session. I am happy to help.